


I told you something safe

by Jossasund



Series: My collection of Craquaria fics [2]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Drug Use, Heavy Angst, M/M, Relationship Problems, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 17:57:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16309964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jossasund/pseuds/Jossasund
Summary: A huge misunderstanding breaks up Max and Gio, but one night they are face to face again. But will they be able to make it work again or is it to late?





	I told you something safe

**Author's Note:**

> This is by far the looooongest one shot I have ever written and I can't describe it better than "a emotional Rollercoaster" 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy it and if you do, let me know :) and be kind, English isn't my first language and I don't have a beta but fuck it. I write because I love it.

Giovanni couldn't sleep, just as every other damn night. He had tossed and turned for hours before he had admitted defeat and instead walked out to his balcony. He had smoked cigarette and cigarette, desperately trying to calm himself down, but he couldn't because his mind was nothing but a fucking cluster.

His friend Jordan had tried his best to cheer him up, but he couldn't do much better than invite him out to the club, and that was the last place Giovanni wanted to be right now, so Jordan had simply shrugged and left. God only knew how many hours ago that was, but Giovanni couldn't care less.

He was more amazed that Jordan still was in his life to honest… but he would probably get tired with him soon too, and leave just as the man Gio had thought was the one had.  _ I hate this  _ Gio thought to himself, his breathing heavy and he was freezing his ass off, but the young man didn't want to go inside. He didn't even want to turn around to look inside his window because well, His bedroom still smelled like  _ Max,  _ and it was scattered with broken promises and Giovanni was sure his shattered heart could be found inside there somewhere if you looked really close.

_ How could this even happen? _

Giovanni sighed, still trying to understand what it actually was that had gone wrong that awful night when his life had fallen apart, but he couldn't understand. Even if he still remembered every little detail that had happened.. He even remembered every fucking word that had been said. But there was one sentence in particular that still made him tear up and it had left him sleepless for so many nights now.

_ I knew getting involved with you would be a huge mistake, goddammit! _

That fucking sentence had spun around in his mind ever since, and it didn't matter how much alcohol he drank or what kind of pills he took, trying to forget it, because it didn't go away. As it turned out, both the alcohol and the pills only made it worse…

Giovanni shook his head as he turned his attention back out over the city. It was a busy Saturday night in New York, and yet hear he was, alone on his fucking balcony. He wasn't even supposed to be here home right now, he was supposed to be working, but Gio had canceled, using all kind of excuses he could come up with to not work. He hadn't worked for the past week. He was such a fucking train wreck and he refused to let both his his fans or other queens see him like that.

Thankfully he had worked so much over these past couple of months which meant he  could skip a few nights of work, even if he knew he had to go back to work sooner than he really wanted or had the energy for.

All the money he had saved up was soon gone and it really didn't help that Jordan, who was his assistant, spent the money like there was no tomorrow, but Giovanni didn't have the heart to say anything about it. He simply couldn't, because he already owned Jordan so much. Hadn't it been for him, he wouldn't be here in the first place, or been able to peruse his dream of becoming a drag queen. Besides, Jordan had been Giovannis connection to all the clubs he had worked at, so if he lost him as he had lost Max, well, then Giovanni could really kiss his life goodbye and call his mother and ask if he could move back home again.

But Giovanni would rather die than give her that satisfaction though. And as far as he saw it, he didn't even have a mother anymore, when her last words to him before he had dropped out of school to pursue his dream of becoming drag queen came to mind.

_ If you do this I don't have a son anymore! _

But he had just turned his back to her, hiding the tears that burned in the back of his eyes, as he gave his sister a hug before he jumped into Jordan's car and left, never to look back. It had been over a year since he had last spoken with her as he thought about it.

Jordan had saved Giovannis life and had been his rock throughout the chaos that was New York city. It had been a rough couple of months but soon everything began to fall into place and  _ Aquaria  _ quickly became the name on everybody's lips.

Slowly Giovanni felt at peace with who he was, which was something Giovanni had never done before. He started to enjoy the feminine boy he was and he didn't feel ashamed over himself anymore. Giovanni knew he would make it.  **He was gonna be a star!**

But the way to success was harder than he had ever thought it would be and Giovanni stumbled, more than once. And even if Aquaria soon enough became a force to be reckoned with, he didn't really feel like he was a part of the drag queen world. Many queens didn't take him serious to begin with since he was so much younger than them.

Some didn't even say hi to him when he came to the gigs, which of course made the already anxious boy wonder if his mother hadn't been right all along. He knew he was good at what he was doing, but the cold shoulder he was given by the queens, still made Giovanni unsure.

But one day everything changed. Everything changed when Gio met Miz Cracker, or Maxwell as his real name was. For the first time a queen replied to his shy hellos and it meant the world to Giovanni. The doubt began to fade away more and more for every gig they had together, until it was merely a whisper in the back of his mind. A whisper he could easily ignore.

Max was over 10 years older than Giovanni, but they never reflected over the age difference (unlike many others around them did.) They were both outcasts in a way, but they didn't feel like that with each other and they were so alike, and the bond they got was almost magical.

Giovanni felt relaxed in the older queens company, and he had never laughed so much as he did when they hung out or when Giovanni watched Miz Cracker's Performances. Their esthetics maybe were like night and day, and their type of numbers to, but that didn't stop them from becoming each other's biggest fans. They spent many nights helping each other with picking songs for the next gig, what to wear and what makeup style to use. The last was of course Giovannis strong suite, because well, he wasn't referred to as a  _ look queen  _ for nothing _.  _

_ God.. I miss you..  _ Giovanni thought to himself as the tears finally began to spill down his cold and pale checks. He wondered if Max missed him too, even if he knew the answer to that question would most likely be a  **no.** Giovanni swore at himself, but he didn't have anyone else to blame than himself, and it felt like he didn't even have a right to be this sad, since he was the reason to why he and Max wasn't a couple anymore... Giovanni felt so pathetic as he stood all alone on his balcony and cried.

He didn't know up from down anymore, and it wasn't just his mind that was failing him, his body was too... 

_ I don't know if I want to live in this world without you.  _ Giovanni thought to himself as he put out his cigarette and finally went inside.

_ ******** _

Max hadn't shed a tear since his breakup with Giovanni, that was just how he ticked. He didn't cry. He didn't sit and feel sorry for himself. He didn't do feelings. That wasn't who Max was. Instead of crying over what he had lost, he threw himself into work, not letting himself feel anything at all. He let his gigs take over his life completely. So it didn't take long before he felt misplaced being  _ just  _ Max.

Miz Cracker began to take over more and more. This made his best friend Katelyn worried and she tried desperately to talk to him about what had happened with Gio, but Max didn't say a word. Instead he shrugged it off as it was nothing more than a fling that he and Giovanni had shared. He even took it so far that he joked about how happy he was over finally being single, because now he was able to bring any man he wished home again.

But that was just the problem.. Max never did. 

And It didn't take long before the other drag queens began to ask questions about Gio and Max, some out of sheer concern and worry, while others tried to stir the pot, but Max didn't even so much as look at them. 

It went so far that when someone happened to bring up the name Giovanni or Aquaria, he always left the room, to take a cigarette, which many found odd, considering the fact that Max had given up smoking years ago.

Max wasn't himself and even if he tried to behave as it was all good, Katelyn knew that wasn't the case. She was so worried about him so one day she reached out to Giovannis best friend Jordan, only to see if he could answer any of her questions, but he couldn't. He was always drunk as hell when they met up in some random club, far far away from any Cracker and Aquaria fans to see them.

Jordan always mumbled something like “oh, I think they're just taking a break” or “they maybe grew tired of working at so many different places and not being able to do shows together like in the beginning.. “ and well, the last thing at least had a fair point, Katelyn would give him that, but nothing else made any damn sense to her. One day they had been and in love and the next day they broke up, ‘just like that’. She desperately wanted answers that nobody could give her.

Katelyn loved Max with all of her heart and known him as long as she could remember. And she had worked with for years and she was so was so proud over him and all of Miz Cracker's success. But in the end, the fame didn't really matter or the money. The only thing that mattered was that Max was happy, but he wasn't happy. He was miserable and broken. Katelyn was probably the only one who saw it. She knew Max didn't do good on his own.

He needed someone. Someone to call his own, someone who understood him, who could ask the right questions and make him feel confident in his own skin, not as Cracker, but as Max.. And Katelyn knew the only one who could do all that, was Giovanni. He was the only one who could help him understand what a beautiful person Max really was, and make him understand that he didn't have to hide behind Miz Cracker.

Max had lived a hard life and, just as Giovanni, grown up in a small town where nobody understood who he was. Nobody had really been let in that close either. Not until Giovanni turned up that was.

Katelyn had loved seeing Giovanni with Max, because even if they had their own difficulties, they helped each other work them out. So when Max helped the younger queen to stop doubting his talent, Giovanni made Max feel relaxed in how own boy skin, which was something he had never been able to do before.

With Giovannis help, Max slowly began to like his reflection in the mirror, but the same night that they broke up, Max had broken that fucking mirror with his own fist. Katelyn still remembered the loud bang when the mirror fell to the floor and how she had rushed into Max bedroom. She had found him with glass shattered all over the floor and his hand bleeding. She had panicked and begged him to let her take him to the hospital, but Max had just asked her very politely to leave. He had been so cold and the calm tone in his voice, it had scared her and had left a uneasy feeling in her stomach.

*********

Max bid the queens a good night and headed for the subway. He didn't have Katelyn with him for once, which meant he could listen to some music on the way home and breathe. But as soon as he pushed play on some random song on Spotify, his tired eyes quickly snapped open and Max began to hyperventilate.

He wanted to change the song but it was like his hands didn't do as he wanted them to, he simply sat frozen in his seat. And as every second passed, he fought hard to not break down in tears, because the song reminded him of the one person he had tried to erase from his memory.

Giovanni.

_ I told you something safe _ __  
_ Something I've never said before _ __  
_ And I, I, I can't keep my hands off you _ __  
_ While you lie in the wake _ __  
_ Covered all in the night before _ _  
_ __ I'm high, high, high, no one's got me quite like you

When he finally came home, he was both mentally and physically drained, and collapsed on top of his bed. His bed had never felt this amazing but the memory of Giovanni was still spinning around in his head and he wanted nothing else but to sleep so he could escape reality. But before Max even got the chance to close his damn eyes, Max phone suddenly buzzed. He groaned at the sound, and even if his first thought was to ignore it, something told him not to.

**Jordan** I don't know what the hell went down between you and Gio, and it's really none of my business, but I need your help Max.

Max felt conflicted. Why did Jordan send him such a message, so out of the blue like this? The tiredness quickly turned into anxiety, even if he shouldn't really care. Max didn't have any obligations to Gio and especially not to Jordan, so he should just put away his phone and go to sleep, but Max didn't. Instead he sat on needles, waiting for Jordan to finish the message he was typing.

**Jordan** Like I just said. I know it's none of my business but I'm fucking worried about Gio and you're the only one I can ask for help.. I don't what to do.. I mean. He's been bringing home different guys for a while now, but they almost leave as soon as they arrive... i can hear him scream at them from inside of his bedroom and when they leave, I hear him scream your name and then he breaks down in tears. Same thing every fucking night.

Max rolled his eyes, trying to act bothered for some stupid reason, as he began to write a reply. But before he pressed send, Max deleted it and took a deep breathe. He didn't hate Gio. Oh no.  _ he would never hate him _ , even if he sometimes wished he could, because goddammit, it would make everything so much easier...

He began to type again, telling himself that Jordan was just messing with his mind because he could easily be doing just that. Max didn't really know him. But then again, one of the few things he knew about Jordan was how much he cared about Gio so he deleted his message again and sighed. He felt cornered, and torn. What should he even write?

**Jordan** Oh come on! don't leave me on fucking read. At least have the decency and tell me to go and fuck myself, Max, if you don't care about Gio anymore. I just thought you had a heart but maybe I was wrong.

Ah… there he was. The Jordan he knew, the obnoxious club kid without any damn manners..

**Max :** girl, calm down.

**Jordan** . Well, that was at least… something.

**Max** oh girl, oh no. You got the wrong queen. So don't try to throw shade. Don't tell me you've forgotten I got a black belt in karate, or have you?

A almost sick smirk appeared on the older mans face, but it disappeared in a matter of seconds when Jordan sent him a picture of Giovanni, or well, what was left off him in loss for better words.

He was pale as a ghost, his eyes sharp, like he had taken something and he had lost so so much weight. Max gulped. He had seen Gio from time to time at the clubs, but he hadn't noticed this..

Then again, was there something Gio was good with, it was makeup so of course he had been able to hide it... But without any makeup, it was crystal clear how bad shape Gio was in.

**Max** what the… what is he on, Jordan?!

The reply was short but Max wasn't able to write anything else. He suddenly felt sick and his whole stomach turned inside out. He ran as fast as he could to the toilet and threw up what little he had in his stomach. He dried his mouth and sunk down on the floor with his back against the wall, trying his best to keep his breathing under control, while his eyes were fixated on the horrible picture Jordan had sent him. This wasn't  _ his  _ Giovanni. It couldn't be.. This was… well, this was nothing but a shadow of the man Max once had loved.  

**Jordan** : the easier question is, what the fuck isn't he on these days? He barely gets any gigs anymore either Max.. Haven't you noticed that?

Max gulped, but as he thought about it, he realized Jordan was right. He hadn't seen Aquarias name anywhere on the different clubs posters in a really long time now and he would lie if he hadn't thought that it had been weird. But he had tried to not think so much about it, telling himself that maybe Jordan had found some connections in bigger clubs for Aquaria. But as it turned out, Max couldn't have been more wrong. Aquaria had instead become  _ that  _ queen that the clubs didn't want to work with. And when you became one of that bunch, it could easily mean the end of your career.  _ Oh gio, what the have you done? _

**Max** : is he home?

**Jordan** : you think I would send you this fucking message if he was?

**Max** : touche… well, which club can I find him at ?

**Jordan** : I will fucking kill you if you go there and make him worse than he already is, I want you to know that. I will kill you. Mark my words.

**Max** : you were the one who wanted me to help you, so tell me which club I should go to before I'll kill you. 

When Jordan finally replied, Max stood to his feet, grabbed his jacket and keys, carefully closing the door behind him, to make sure he wouldn't wake up Katelyn.

*********

Giovanni hardly knew where he was at the moment and the whole world spun around him. He had taken something some random guy had offered him. He didn't care what it was, gio simply took what was offered, because he needed the release and besides, Gio couldn't afford to buy something by himself, so he had no choice but to play this dangerous game off Russian roulette.

_ I guess this is what my life have come to be.. Pathetic, isn't it?  _ he thought to himself, closing his eyes for a second, desperately hoping it would make him less dizzy. It didn't though so a groan escaped Giovannis lips.

How had he even ended up like this? His mother would laugh at him if she saw the state her lost son was in, and probably say that she'd been right all along. He was a failure. And he wasn't in a position to argue with her because in someway, she had been right. He had failed. Giovanni had failed just as he had been able to taste what success tasted like.

But yet again, just as the situation with Max, Giovanni had only himself to blame because this was his fault as well. After he'd come back to work after canceling gigs for awhile, he came back to hate, because the fans defended Cracker in all this. Those shipping fans had always been the worst... Aquaria had left fans that loved her, and come back to fans that booed her off the stage.

Had it been Giovanni standing on that stage, he had broken down in tears and run out of the club, never to return, but that wasn't how Aquaria handled situations. Aquaria didn't back down, she didn't run from a fight and the attitude her fans had always loved about her, soon became what they hated.

She fought back, when reality suddenly hit her, and some random queen snatched the microphone from her hands to calm down the crowd, that literally everyone in the audience were screaming bad words at Aquaria. Her legs felt weak beneath her and she was thankful Jordan was there to catch her.

_ It's just a tough crowd tonight Aqua. It will be okay  _ Jordan had said to her with his goofy smile as he pulled her into a hug.  _ It's just a tough crowd. _

******

Max took a deep breathe before he walked inside the small and sleazy club. It was a disgusting place and this wasn't a club Giovanni would usually go to. This had to be bad…

It didn't take more than a few minutes before Max saw Giovanni sitting by the bar, looking far worse than he had done in that photo Jordan had sent Max. 

_ Oh my poor baby…  _ Max thought to himself, not even scolding himself for referring Gio as his. He didn't have the time to fight his own mind right now. He had other things to take care of. More important things.

Giovanni was almost passed out, his head resting on some random guys shoulder, and when Max saw that the asshole off a man, guided Giovannis hand to unzip his pants, Max finally snapped. He had seen to much to not interfere.

“asshole! Let go off him” Max growled and the mans head snapped to his direction. He laughed when he saw how small Max was, but when he noticed Max tensed muscles, he gulped and left without so much as a word.

Max catched Giovanni who didn't have a clue about what happened and he didn't even notice Max was there, but maybe that was for the best.

This was already a far more painful situation than Max ever imagined it to be and now that Max had Giovanni in his arms again for the first time in months, he didn't know what to do. His mind said one thing while his heart said another. He was a fucking mess to say the least.

_ I need a drink  _ Max thought to himself as he waved to the bartender, ordering himself a shot vodka and a glass water for Gio. The young queen had almost fallen asleep on his shoulder and Max enjoyed having him close again.

_ How can he still get under my skin like this? _

Suddenly Giovannis eyes fluttered open and the perfume that filled his nostrils reminded him of a time when life had been easier, and he had been happy. He knew he had to be dreaming as he sat up and looked at the man next to him. It couldn't be? Or could it?

“Hey..”

Max met Giovannis confused gaze. He would never recognized him if it hadn't been for his black and long hair, because that was the only thing that was left of the Giovanni that had once held Max’ heart. Everything else looked different. Even his eyes. The young queen opened his mouth to say something but he wasn't able to. Max didn't really blame him as he offered him a crooked smile.

“Here, I ordered you some water.” Max added, and his voice almost broke. He wanted to pull his former lover into a hug and kiss away the anxiety that he could see in the back off his eyes, but he didn't. But he could at least hold Giovannis hand and he did, squeezing it hard as his life depended on it.

_ God.. I've missed your touch. _

Giovanni looked at Max, really looked at him, and everything else around them blurred into nothingness. He didn't know if it was because of the drugs or not, but Gio didn't really care. Everything he cared about was that he was feeling something for the first time in a really, really long time, as their hands intertwined .

_ He felt safe. _

“let's go home Gio “ Max almost whispered, as he stood up, their hands still holding on to each other as their lives were really depended on it. Then again, it kinda was that for Gio. He had given up a long time ago, but now it was like he felt a small spark of hope…

Sadly he didn't have the strength to stand up, and almost fell but Max quickly caught him in his arms, their lips not more then millimeters from one and another. And this time around Max couldn't stop himself, as he pressed a gentle kiss to those once plump and soft lips, lips that nowadays were dry and lifeless, just as the rest of the man he had once loved was.

And even if Giovanni kissed him back, Max felt bad for even kissing him in the first place. Giovanni was so weak and Max didn't want him to feel as he was taking advantage of him, so he instead he scooped Giovanni up in his strong arms and carried him out of the disgusting club.

The young man, who looked more like a boy right now, quickly laid his head against Max shoulder, nuzzling so close that his lips brushed against Max’ collarbone. It sent shivers down Max spine and he knew he was playing with fire right now, but he didn't care. At least not for now. The only thing he cared about was that Giovanni was safe in his arms.

“Where to? “ the Uber driver asked when Max finally climbed into the backseat, still with Giovanni in his arms. He swallowed hard, quickly realizing it was a fucking bad idea to bring Gio home to his and Katelyn's place, so he gave the driver the address Giovannis apartment and as soon as the car began to move, he sent Jason a text to tell him what had happened.

******

“Where's your keys Gio? “ Max asked as he put down the younger man in front of his apartment door.

Giovanni didn't even give him a answer, more than a shrug, and Max rolled his eyes. Had he been tired before this, that couldn't compare with how tired he was by now. He sighed as he reached down in Gios jacket to find the keys by himself.

When he fkannlj unlocked the door he could have sworn he heard Giovanni whimper as he lost the touch of Max.

Giovanni threw his jacket on the floor, still not sure if this was really happening or not, but if this was a dream, he hoped he would never wake up. He had the only person he needed with him right now, and as for now, his life didn't feel fucked up. He was almost happy,even felt a small smile appear on his lips as Max hand intertwined with his again.

The apartment looked a mess but Giovannis eyes were fixated on Max, who looked even more beautiful than he'd remembered.

It made Giovannis broken heart ache, when he thought about Max, this fucking beautiful man, who had once been his but wasn't anymore.. They hadn't spoken since that awful night, but here he was, and he had actually saved Gio tonight.. It was remarkable, but it was painful to realize for Giovanni to realize that Max would most likely be gone before Giovanni woke up the next morning.

It made the young queens eyes tear up and being the emotional wreck as Giovanni was, it didn't take long before those tears began to roll down his cheeks.

“oh baby, hey, hey, what's wrong? “ Max said as he turned around to face Giovanni. Max never got a answer though, before Giovanni finally broke apart completely.  Max wrapped his arms around him immidently, and pulled him as close as he could, which made Giovanni almost felt whole again. Max touch was like magic to him, it always had been.

And God, how Giovanni enjoyed this feeling Max touch gave him, as he laid his head on max’ shoulder and draw a deep inhale of the vanilla Perfume that once again reminded him of a so much simpler and happier time.

“I missed you.. “ Giovanni mumbled.

The words weren't meant to be said out loud but they slipped Gios tongue and he knew Max had heard them. He only hoped Max didn't pull back and he didn't. Instead his embrace around Giovanni tightened and he could swear he heard Max mumble

“I've missed you to.. “

******

Giovanni passed out in a matter of seconds when he laid down on his bed, but Max was too anxious to do much as move, so he was sitting on the end of the small bed, looking like a fucking idiot. He knew the best and smartest thing for him to do, was to go home, but he couldn't leave Gio alone like this. Not in this state. He wanted to keep a close on Gio for now. The poor queen looked so small and fragile, almost like he would break apart in any given second. The sight was heartbreaking for Max, as he noticed that Giovanni even looked anxious in his sleep.  _ What made us drift apart like this?  _ Max thought as he sighed.  _ I just want to wrap my arms around you Gio, but I can't… _

**Jason :** how is he?

**Max:** Well, I almost didn't recognize him. The only thing that is still, well, him, is his hair. Everything else is… gone.

**Jordan** : yeah I know. Sad, isn't it? And he has been keeping me awake for the past couple of weeks, that's for sure.

_ Why haven't you told me he was doing this bad earlier?  _ Max thought to himself, even if he chose to not ask that question, while he began to write Jordan a text.

**Max** : I've never seen Giovannis place look like this. It's not like he enjoyed to clean back when we were together but, this is… Bad. He has scattered Aquaria all over the apartment to… and Half of those wigs aren't able to be saved..

_ Ugh..  _ Of course Miz Cracker had to sneak in something in the conversation.

**Jordan** : yeah… BTW, have u checked his pockets ?

Max quirked an eyebrow. Why on earth would he check his pockets? Besides, he hadn't even had the courage to undress Giovanni , let alone check his damn pockets.

**Max** : I have not. Should I? He's still dressed.

**Jordan** : oh.. Sorry. I undress him almost every night when's he's passed out so I guess it's so natural to me… but I guess I have the chance to warn you about another thing before then.

**Max** : what could be worse that this, girl? Just spit it out, goddammit.

The words dripped of Miz cracker, even making Max cringe.

**Jordan** : don't get scared when you see his legs. He has scars from cutting himself. But please please check his pockets, Max. I don't want you to repeat my mistake.

Max froze. _Scars?_ _Mistake?_ His mind quickly went into panic mode.

**Jason** : yeah… it wasn't that long ago that Gio actually overdosed…

**Max** : what…!?

**Jason** : wait.. Didn't you know that? And here I thought you drag queens gossiped about each other all the fucking time ?

**Max** : we usually do.. But nobody told me this!!

His eyes turned to Giovanni again, and Max felt confused and conflicted. It felt like he didn't even know the young man in front of him anymore.

**Jordan** : well, I don't know if it was a suicide attempt, but it was still a overdose..

Max couldn't believe what he had just read and his heart began to race and he got trouble breathing.

Suddenly Giovanni began to stir in his sleep, and his eyes fluttered open, and he saw Max sitting on the bed with his phone in his hands, stiff as a violin string. He wondered what on earth had made him so worked up, but he didn't feel like he had the right to ask that question.

But regardless of that, Giovanni couldn't just ignore the fact that something was upsetting the man who held his heart, so Giovanni carefully reached after Max hand to give it a gentle squeeze, which made the older man meet his eyes.

“You okay..? “ Giovanni's voice was hoarse, and it was painful for him to speak but he couldn't care less. As for now, the only thing he cared about and wanted was for Max to feel happy again and smile.Sadness simply didn't suit him. Or the Miz Cracker brand for that matter.

“I.. I… lt.. You… “ Max voice broke and Giovanni quickly noticed the tears that began to fill his eyes, and Giovanni gulped. He knew exactly how much Max hated to cry in front of somebody else, and if he actually did cry in front of you, well, then he trusted you with his life. So as the tears began to roll down his cheeks, Giovanni couldn't help but wonder if this meant that Max still, for unknown reasons, still trusted him?

“Baby, hey, come here” gio said softly, as he sat up and opened up his arms for Max. The older man looked torn, not really sure what to do. Gio didn't really him, especially since they hadn't ended on good terms. The memory washed over him and it made him feel sick, but he pushed away his demons, at least for now, still trying to invite Max into his arms.

Max didn't move as much as a centimeter, but Giovanni didn't push. He didn't want to push because he was terrified that if he did anything wrong, that Max would leave him and that was the absolute last thing he wanted.

“Cracks, talk to me.. Please? “

Giovanni was desperate, but it didn't really matter. He didn't have any dignity left so he didn't he didn't care what he sounded or looked like. Besides, this was Max. He had already seen Giovanni at his worst. Even if this was probably the absolute worst he'd ever seen him.

“I.. Was.. Told.. You…” Max took a deep breath to collect his cluster of thoughts. “Jordan told me you tried to take your own life? Is.. Is that true? “

Giovannis face dropped. He pulled back, and hid his head in his hands. Why had Jordan told Max about his fucking overdose?

Suddenly everything about this night made somewhat sense to him, because if Jordan had told Max about his overdose, he maybe had told Max where Gio was tonight? In someway Jordan had betrayed Giovanni trust by doing this, and he wanted to be angry with him, but Giovanni couldn't.

He was actually so relieved that Max was there with him, because he didn't want anyone else than Max.

Because was there anyone who could save him from all this darkness, it was Max. But it wasn't so easy as Giovanni wanted it to be. He knew Max wouldn't save like wanted him to… Because even if Max had helped Giovanni out of that club tonight, that was probably it.

It wouldn't take long before they would say good bye to each other again and that thought scared the shit out of Giovanni. He was so fed up with living like this and deep down he knew it was slowly killing him. But with Max here, he felt at least something that could be referred to as hope.

His mind began to race, and Giovanni couldn't remember the last time he'd been sober. His mind took another dark turn. When had he been able to do a show without fucking up his routine or getting booed off stage? He didn't remember that either. Everything he had worked for all these years, all the blood, sweat and tears, it felt like it had been all for nothing. He was truly a fuck up.

“Gio…. is it true.. ? “ Max suddenly asked, as their eyes met and Giovanni took a deep breath.

“it… ehm… Yes”

The answer was short, and even if Gio wanted to say so much more, he wasn't able to. His whole world had finally crumbled beneath him as the little pride he had clung on to for so long, finally slipped through his fingers.

Max bit his lip, before he pulled Giovanni into his arms, making their lips clash against one and another seconds later. Giovanni whimpered by the sudden kiss, but it was just what he needed. And Max felt exactly the same. They needed to draw safeness from each other and chose to ignore the fact that they had so much things to clear out. At least for a few seconds.

Giovanni hoped Max lips would never leave his.

*******

“Baby, I'm tired “ Giovanni mumbled into the neck of Max, after they had ended their little make out session, which had left them feeling like two teenage boys in love. It had almost made them feel like everything okay between the two.

Max just chuckled at the younger man in his arms, as he tucked away a string of hair from Giovannis eyes and placed a tender kiss on his lips again, before he stood to his feet.

The younger queen whimpered when he wasn't longer safe in Max’ arms and he felt confused. Where was Max gonna sleep it not in Giovanni bed? Reality hit him seconds later.

_ Maybe he plans on sleeping in his own bed at home, you idiot _ Giovanni thought to himself, desperately trying to hide the sadness that washed over him.

Max had already done so much for him, and when if Gio wanted to ask him to stay the night, he couldn't…. But he wanted to because he didn't want to spend another night alone.

“ehm, I'll take the couch” Max said carefully

“You.. You don't have to sleep on the couch.. It's uncomfortable as hell and.. I mean.. It's not like we haven't slept together before” Giovanni shrugged, quickly realizing how terribly wrong that sentence sounded. “Ehm, well you know what I mean “

Max chuckled again. He had missed this, and he loved seeing Giovanni this nervous, because he was so damn cute in this moment. The sight made Max heart skip a beat even.

He didn't see the broken person his former lover had become, but instead he saw the person he had fell in love with, almost certain Giovannis eyes sparkled as they always had before. But the moment was over as soon as it happened, but it lit a fire inside of Max. A fire he had thought had been long gone. But it also opened up a place in his heart he had promised himself to never revisit again.

“Please? “

The tone in Giovannis voice was desperate and Max finally gave in, as he kicked off his shoes and jeans. He kept his shirt on, even if he didn't know exactly why. It just felt like the best thing to do. He wanted to be on the safe side, even if knew it was useless, because he was already playing with fire, and he was getting burned.

Giovanni studied as Max slipped out his pants and it felt like someone stabbed his heart with a knife. It was painful to not be able, or more so, not  _ allowed, _ to reach out and touch the man that he had once called his. The man who would always hold his heart. Max was so close, but at the same time, he had never felt more unavailable like he did now. It was like Giovanni was looking through a crystal ball and Max was in a totally different world.

_ Snap out of it  _ he told himself, forcing his eyes to leave Max as he began to unbutton his jeans, but he failed. Of course he failed. Giovannis hands were shaking far to much and he was at the break of tears once again, feeling like he couldn't do anything right anymore. But just as the those dark thoughts swirled around in his mind, he felt Max’ hands brush against his, and he held his breath when his eyes met Max's kind ones.

“Let me help you” he said. It was merely a whisper and Giovanni leaned forward and gave Max a quick and innocent kiss, before he removed his hands, to let Max help him. But he held his breath because he knew what Max was about to see, as Giovannis pants dropped to the ground, would break Max heart.

The sight off Giovannis legs shocked Max, even if he had been warned and knew what he was about to see. It didn't matter... He covered his mouth with his hands when he saw how Giovannis legs looked like and he almost broke down in tears. Those legs that  had once been so toned, flawless and soft to kiss, were now filled with scars and fresh cuts.

Aquaria, the queen who had always loved to strut around around in her see through fishnet stockings and short skirts, would never be able to do so again, not without being ‘exposed’ by her fans that was.

“The look queen and man you fell in love with, is dead” Giovanni breathed out as their eyes met. He didn't even know what the hell he meant with those words, but then again, he had never been good with words.

He wasn't good with anything these days. And the sight of his cuts, even made Giovanni want to scream and cry. He had once been a amazing queen, but what he had once been amazing doing, wasn't his body wasn't able to do anymore.

Giovanni knew he was doomed to fail, with everything, and what had sent him into this spinning downward spiral to begin with, had been the day he had seen Max run out of this very room they were both sitting in right now. It almost felt, surreal.

“Oh no Gio, he's not dead, ‘cause I'm looking straight at him. “

They shared a sad smile and a few kisses before they climbed down under the covers, too tired to function and as they laid there, it felt like it was yesterday it was the last time they shared a bed.

Giovanni enjoyed feeling Max’ hands slowly  wrap themselves around his body. He could breathe and for the first time in such a long time, he didn't feel numb. He felt safe, loved and cared for. Sadly he knew all would be gone tomorrow, which he of course tried to not think about, but the nagging feeling in the back of his head refused to go away.

Max didn't know what to feel as he laid with his arms around Gio, and a bit of him hated himself for even coming here in the first place. He questioned himself why he had even saved a person, no,  _ the,  _ person, who had hurt him the most in his whole life.

Katelyn would strangle Max if she would see him now, but at the same time, Max felt like he was exactly where he should be, where he belonged. And even if he would never admit it outloud, Giovanni would always have a special place in his heart.

_ I thought I would marry you one day goddammit  _ he thought to himself, as his grip around Giovannis body became tighter as they both drifted off to sleep.

*****

The next morning when Giovanni woke up, he felt like he'd been overrun by a train or something and he groaned when he realized he was alone in his bed. He already missed Max touch, and almost felt pathetic because of it. He knew this would happen, but it still made him sad.

Suddenly he heard something in the kitchen and the young queen felt a smile appear on his lips.  _ Maybe Max hadn't left just yet _ , he thought happily to himself as he pulled on his black Adidas pants and walked out to the kitchen.

Max had woken up early, not able to sleep anymore even if he was still tired. He had laid awake a long while, simply holding Giovanni in his arms, before he finally decided to slip out of bed.

This was such a complicated situation, since a big part of him still loved Giovanni, but he was to afraid to admit that to anyone. The other part of him despised Giovanni for what he had said about Cracker, because his stupid mouth had almost ruined everything Max had worked for all these years, but as he stood in the doorway, watching Giovanni sleep, he felt even more conflicted.

Had Aquaria really said all those things he had heard or had his inner saboteur got the best out of him? Had the words maybe been twisted and taken out of context?  _ My god.. Is it me who have actually destroyed the best thing that have ever happened to me?  _ Max mind went blank. He had to talk to Giovanni about this before he walked out of that door. It had driven him crazy for far to long. So he stayed.

“wow.. I don't remember the last time someone made me breakfast “ Giovanni said as he entered the kitchen and jumped up to sit on the table.

Max smiled at him, and felt how much he wanted to kiss Gio and ruffle his hair as he had always done, but he didn't. He had already crossed the line last night, hadn't he?

_ Why are you still lying to yourself? You know damn right you still love him.. And you kissed him last night.. Would another kiss really make any difference..?  _ Max thought to himself with a sigh, before he shook his head to clear his head of such thoughts.

“Well, I had to improvise since you didn't  have much at home but schablam, I could at least throw together some pancakes” Max said, with his typical happy Cracker voice, in a desperate attempt to sound like he was in control over this situation, which he clearly wasn't off course. But he could fool anyone. It was one of his hidden talents.

“You didn't have to you know.. “ Giovanni said with a shrug, suddenly looking as small and sad as he had done when Max had found him in the club last night.

“Well” Max said as he began to plate the food, then added “I know I didn't have to,  _ but _ I remember those times you tried to make us breakfast and you almost burnt down our place! ”

Both men gulped at Max choice of words. They had never had a apartment together when they had been a couple but Max had spent much of his time at Gios place and they had talked about moving in together eventually, before the chaos happened that was.

“Ehm, I… I Ehm, need a smoke before we eat” Gio mumbled and quickly left the room, almost running out to the balcony. He was hyperventilating within seconds, so he reached down in his pockets and quickly swallowed two of the pills he had there, before he lit his cigarette. Right now he almost wished Max had left before he woke up. This would end up being their next fight, that was sure, but he didn't have any energy for that. He was drained. And the last time they had fought, Max had left him in a million pieces.

When Giovanni felt the Xanax he'd swallowed, kick in, he finally had the courage to go back into the kitchen. He didn't expect to find Max looking calm and collected, without so much of a trace of the fear that he had showed minutes ago.

Giovanni didn't say anything about it though, as he sat down and began to eat his pancakes, while he studied Max carefully. He never had or would understand how Max was able to hid and mask his feelings so well, and some part of him had always envied that ability.

He himself had always worn his feeling on his sleeves, and even if he had learned somewhat how to control the worst, he would never be able to completely hide it as well as his former lover could.

They ate their breakfast in complete silence, and it wasn't before they were done with the dishes, that Max actually broke the silence

“Gio, ehm, I think I need to go… Katelyns been messaging me and I need to prepare for a gig tonight” his voice was almost shaking, and he did everything in his power to not meet Giovanni's eyes. The younger man bit his lip, because he wanted nothing else than to ask Max, or more  _ beg on his bare fucking knees _ , for him to stay, but he couldn't. He knew had already done far to much.

“Its okay, Jordan probably wants me to call him to.. He's always worried about me these days you know” he instead said, even if he knew Max would hear the sadness in voice as be followed Max to the door.

“Well, it was good seeing you Gio”

“ and It's was good seeing you to Max”

And just like that, Max had disappeared from Giovannis life again and the anxiety quickly began to claw underneath his skin.

_ I need to get him back  _ he thought to himself. But how? And was it even possible? Or should Giovanni just let go of the last drop of hope he had and completely give up?

******

Max hardly made it through to the apartment buildings door before he broke down in tears, his legs disappeared beneath him, and his heart broke. He didn't really want to leave, but he had gotten scared of all these feelings he apparently still had for Gio, that had made him chose to run. But Max knew it didn't matter if he ran to the other side of the world, because he couldn't run away from himself.

_ I still loved Giovanni, goddammit! _

Max body shut down completely and all he could do was cry, so he did. He cried, he screamed and he cried some more, thinking about what he and Gio had once shared. Max had lost the one true thing that had made him truly fucking happy, when he walked out of Giovannis apartment that night 

In all this chaos though, A happy memory suddenly came to mind.

_ “I love you “ Gio said as he embraced Max in a tight hug. Max relaxed in his embrace and let out a big breath of relief. He was worn out after the nights gig. It had been a absolute nightmare, and everything that possibly could have gone wrong, had. _

_ Miz Cracker had messed up her routine, missed her lip syncs and almost lost one of her shoes as well. So now when Max had finally come home to his boyfriends apartment, he was lost on his own head so to speak, but the only one who could keep him above the surface and keep his demons away, was Giovanni, so Max was so lucky to have him. _

_ They had grown close so incredibly fast that it was almost unreal, and even if they were from completely different worlds, they were a perfect match. _

_ “I love you to “ Max replied as he sat up, so he was able to look Gio straight into his eyes. The younger man leaned in and kissed him, and the kiss took Max breath away. _

_ He always melted into a puddle as soon as Gio touched him and all the worry washed off him in a matter of seconds. His whole stomach was filled with butterflies and he knew he was exactly where he belonged. This was his happy ending, his safe place and he didn't shy away from telling the whole world that Gio was his and his alone. He would marry this man one day, goddammit he thought to himself as he deepened the kiss. _

Max dried his eyes and tried to catch his breath. He treasured all the memories he had of him and Giovanni, but at the same time, Max wished he could just forget everything. It would make everything so much easier… he had to stop living in this fucking fantasy world at some point too. Enough was enough right?

But then again, he didn't want anything more than to have Gio back, because he was the only one who understood him. Giovanni was also the only one who could help him overcome his inner saboteur and all his darkness…. Max groaned as it hit him.

_ He needed Gio. He needed him and he didn't want anybody else but him _ , and the insight made Max stomach churn. It wouldn't be easy, it would be fucking hard to get back to there they once had been, if it was even possible… but to know that they needed to give it a chance, but was it even worth it?

Giovanni felt as he couldn't breathe. He had hated his apartment for long, and now, when the images of Max being there only seconds ago, but now gone again, were fresh in his memory, he really needed to go somewhere else. He couldn't breathe in here, so he grabbed his keys and locked the door behind him.

When he reached the last stair case, he froze, when he saw the back of Max head just the outside of the building. He was shaking like a leaf, and clearly crying. Giovanni gulped, not sure what to do about it, wondering if he should actually do anything about it to being with.

A part of him, which was the biggest part of him, wanted to go there and scoop Max up in his arms and kiss away his tears and put all his broken pieces back together. But Gios guilty conscience made him conflicted. Max didn't like to be vulnerable, because he wanted to be in control  _ 24/7,  _ so maybe Gio would only make matters worse if he went over there, and that was the last thing he wanted. So he bit his lip and decided to go back inside, just as he heard his own name.

_ He need me  _ he told himself as Giovanni headed for the door, opening it so carefully he could. The older man didn't even acknowledge his presence. He looked like he had given up completely and it made Gios guilty conscious become only worse.

“Max “ he simply said as he sat down in front of him, squeezing his shoulder as the words left the tip of his tongue. But there still wasn't the slightest reaction. “Max, please.. Please look at me.. “

Max just shut his eyes even harder when he heard Gios sweet and concerned voice, and his touch that was supposed to make him feel better, unfortunately did the complete opposite. He wanted nothing than to disappear and he wanted to scream, but he was to drained of energy.

He wanted to tell Giovanni to fuck up, but Max wasn't able to because, well, he didn't really want to... He had maybe been able to fool himself all these months where he had been able to avoid Gio but now, when he had talked to him again, cuddled him, kissed him… Well, now if was pointless to continue this stupid game. Max fucking loved Giovanni, but it was scary to say it outloud. And was so scared to open up again, to let him in, only to end up hurt again. He knew he wouldn't be able to go through all that hell once again.

Max had worked like a idiot over these couple of months to prevent himself from thinking about what had happened, and pushed away all of his problems, to the point that Katelyn had almost begged him to start seeing a therapist since he refused to tell her anything. Max had just shrugged it off, and continued to work even more.

Giovanni was clearly the one out of the two who had taken their breakup the worst though. But it wasn't such a big surprise really, since he was a anxious introvert. But that Gio would turn to drugs and fuck up Aquaria’s reputation, and cut himself like he was nothing but a cutting board… Now  **that** had come as a complete surprise to Max , and it wasn't like it was a good one.

“Max, come on... You're freezing baby”

Their eyes finally met and both looked like they had seen their worst nightmares come to life.

“I still love you, goddammit.. “ Max groaned, making Gio freeze. “But you know that, don't you? “

Gio gulped as Max stood to his feet and his eyes turned dark. He was so much shorter than Gio but the angry look he had, made Gio feel like he was nothing but a small, worthless bug under max shoe, about to be squeezed to death.

“I can't believe I actually love you, after what you did to me, Aquaria.. You know... I should hate you, I really should hate you for it! and I should go around town and talk Shit about you like you did me, and destroy your fucking hard work and reputation, but I guess you beat me to it. I mean, look at you “

“Wait, what? “ Gio frowned.

Was  _ that  _ why Max had thrown Giovanni away as he was nothing but garbage? Was  _ that _ the reason they weren't a couple any more? Did he really think Gio would talk about him behind is back? It felt like Max didn't know Gio anymore, because he would never do such a thing. He had loved Max and he still  _ did _ , to the fucking moon and back, and Max knew that… Or maybe he didn't? Gio lit a cigarette and took a deep inhale, desperately trying to collect the cluster of thoughts in his head.

“Oh don't play fucking stupid aquaria, you're not  _ that  _ stupid so stop it”

Everytime Max referred to him as Aquaria, and not Gio or Giovanni, it felt like Max pressed a knife into his chest and twisted it. And in some sick way, it almost felt like that was the reaction Max was after?

“well, sure. If you stop playing the fucking victim Max, because you're not as innocent as you might think!” Gio growled, once again not really sure what he actually meant by those words. But they clearly made Max snap out of his worst anger, and his posture suddenly wasn't as tense as it had been seconds ago.

“Aqua! You said I was to big for this club and that club and went around and said I was worth something better! And you know what? That reached almost every damn club manager  I have ever worked with and I began to lose gigs because of your stupid fucking mouth! “

Gio finally grew tired of this, especially since his words had been so twisted, and used in a whole other context than they were supposed to. Sure. He had said those things, but not like that!

Suddenly Max eyes began to tear up again and Gio took a step closer, his eyes black. He pinned Max up against the wall and the older queen gulped, not really sure what was happening but before he the chance to say anything more, he felt the younger man's lips smash against his.

The kisses quickly grew deeper, became more heated and eager, and Giovanni felt drunk with power, especially since he wasn't used to be the one in control between the two of them. It was usually Max who took the lead, but this time the tables were turned and considering the moan that escaped Max’ mouth, it didn't seem to bother his former lover that the roles were reversed.

Giovanni smiled as he began to trail kisses along Max jawline, down to his neck, and he didn't remember the last time he'd felt this good, when his lips found Max collarbone beneath his shirt. He kissed him hard before he finally used his teeth to make the mark his skin, just as he always had.. Max was almost melting in Giovannis arms by now and Giovanni knew they couldn't go any further than this, at least not outside, so he reluctantly pulled back, searching for Max eyes, wondering what was going on inside in his mind. They were both playing with fire by now.

“I love to too, you know.” Gio spoke softly. “and I will never stop loving you.. ”

Max hands intertwined With Gios and he didn't know what to say, think or feel, and that was something new. At least to him.

Otherwise, when in a new situation or on unknown therroty, Miz cracker usually slipped out to save the day, but now now. Now it was only  _ Max. _

And well, Max had butterflies in his stomach, feeling like he had just kissed a boy for the first time. He was like a deer in headlight and he didn't know which way to go. He wasn't panicking though…. He just felt...  _ naked _ . Max felt more naked than he had ever felt before, but the eyes that were looking at him, wasn't judging him. No.

The eyes that were watching him were filled with nothing but love and it made Max heart skip a beat. He blushed hard and he had always been so surprised over Gios impact on him. A simple kiss from him could make everything feel better. They weren't okay, far from it, but they were at least making progress, right?

“God, you're so adorable right now..” Giovanni said, smiling against Max lips before they kissed again.

“Is the offer still up? “

“offer? “ Gio questioned, and Max let out a small chuckle, waiting for him understand what he meant. “Oh! Yes ehm, sure. We can go inside if that's what you mean”

**********

“So… “ Gio said as they sat down on the worn out couch, facing each other. He didn't really want to talk about this, especially not as he had gotten a glimpse of Max crotch, but he knew they needed to before anything else happened… Besides, sleeping together would only make things worse, and maybe destroy what little chance they had to repair their broken relationship. But then again, what if Max didn't really want him back? Giovannis mind began to spin.

Sure, Max had said moments ago that he still loved him, and Gio had told him he loved him too, but that didn't necessarily mean that Max wanted to get back together with him…

_ snap out if it!  _ Gio told himself when he suddenly felt Max hand gently take one of his and their fingers felt so good together, like Ying and Yang.

“What actually happened to us Gio? “ max asked, and it was such a relief to finally ask the question that had kept Max awake for so many nights, because he didn't really know. Everything had been so great and seconds later everything had gone downhill. Even if he knew what had made him walk out on his boyfriend that night, but at the same time, he felt so clueless..

“Ehm.. I.. I don't.. I don't really know.. “ Gio shrugged. He wanted to say so much more but he wasn't able to, not really. He didn't even know what to say, desperately hoping Max would tell him ‘his side of the story’, even if he knew that it didn't really matter. It would still be fucking hard and painful anyway.

“Well,” Max said as he pulled back and crossed his arms. Gio missed his touch as soon as Max hands left his. “Dusty told me some disturbing things he heard from you and well.. It was heartbreaking to hear what my own boyfriend had said about me.. Behind my back.... “

“Ehm, what did he.. Tell you ? “ Giovanni asked, his voice shaking but at the same time he felt absolutely furious. Was it Dusty who was the one to blame for this mess?  _ That fucking cunt.. _

_ Miz cracker laughed at Vanessa's joke while making sure her makeup looked good before the next number. And it did. Giovanni had teached Max a new technique that made Miz Cracker look more beautiful than she'd ever done and nothing could bring her down. Well, that was at least what she thought. _

_ “Oh Cracks, where's the boyfriend then hm?” Dusty asked as she sat down by the station next to Cracker. Vanessa gave him a sad smile before she rushed off to stage. Dusty was one of those queens Cracker didn't really like peer say, but at least tolerated since they always performed at the same clubs and hung out with the same people, so she had to play nice. But that didn't stop her from being a bit bitchy tough. Being a drag queen came with its perks sometimes. _

_ “And since when does it concern you were Aqua is? “ Cracker snapped and Dusty gave her a look she really couldn't read. _

_ “Come on! You can't be THAT in love with Aquaria that you can tolerate all those things she's been saying about you behind your back, now can you? “ Dusty asked with a disgusting grin that made Cracker's blood boil. _

_ “you know what, Fuck you Dusty! Fuck you! I don't know what the hell you're trying to do, but don't you fucking dare to bad talk my boyfriend when he's not here to defend himself! “ _

_ “Oh Cracker, come on! Are you really so scared of the thought of being alone for the rest of your life that you let a young boy as Aquaria fuck you and then fuck you over? Are you really the stupid? How can you let her kiss you with the same lips that she uses to talk Shit about you with? “ _

_ Miz Cracker froze. _

_ “I thought so! You don't know any of this now do you? “ _

_ “Dusty, stop it! You're just trying to get inside my head for some reason but that's not gonna work. So fuck off! “ Cracker growled, sick of this discussion so she stood to her feet, but was stopped as Dusty grabbed her arm. _

_ “I knew you don't really like me Cracker, and that's okay, I don't like you either. but you know what, I respect because you are always a professional to work with. I'm being honest with you because, why the hell would I lie about this? I mean, what the hell is in it for me? “ _

_ “I don't fucking know! But I don't care! Giovanni loves me and he would never do anything to hurt me! ” Miz Cracker shot back, gritting her teeth while hoping Dusty would back down. She didn't though. _

_ “I don't care if you believe me or not Cracker, but I'm not shutting up. I want you to understand who Aquaria really is! Sure, she's a amazing performer but she doesn't have so much more than her looks to flaunt with. Or well, maybe he has a large dick too, but that's nothing I would know anything about” _

_ The way Dusty just talked, well, it rubbed Cracker the wrong way and she wanted nothing than to claw out Dustys fucking eyes with her long nails, but she didn't, at least not yet. _

_ “Say what it is that Aquaria has done then! Come to the fucking point!” _

_ “She's been around the clubs and talked Shit about you Max, saying how Cracker is too good to perform at places like this and that, saying how you deserve better than these Shit gigs you get and stuff like that. “ Dusty continued. “And if I were you, I would dump him and make sure the clubs managers hasn't heard his stupid babble just yet because if they have, we'll, if they have, then my dear, then you're fucked” _

*****

“I never said that.. Well, not at least like Dusty made it out to sound like… “ Giovanni mumbled, so heartbroken that he couldn't even look Max in the eye. He felt disappointed that Max hadn't told him this all those months ago, so he could have explain himself to hut away, but then again, he wasn't surprised though. He knew how easily Max got lost in his own head and acted out of fear.

“Well, in what way did you mean it then? “ Max asked, as he put a finger under the younger queens chin, gently making their eyes meet, then added “I mean, you don't deny you said it so please tell me what you meant by saying something like that? ”

Max voice was maybe calm, but the anger and frustration was still there, underneath the surface, which made Gio bite his lip. He was so nervous and even his gentle touch made Giovanni feel bad, so he pulled back and took a deep breath.

“yes. I said all of that stuff… I did. But I didn't mean it like that. I would never… “ gio fidgeted with his hands, biting his lip harder to prevent himself from crying. Max quickly took his hands in his again, and pressed gentle kisses to his knuckles, which gave Gio the courage he desperately needed to continue

“I said you deserved so much more because you're far too talented to perform at such small clubs and what not... You know. I never wanted to hurt you. I would rather die than do that..”

Max looked at Gio, really looked, and bit his lip. The words stung more than he wanted them to do, because that was just what had almost happened, Gio had almost taken his own life because of this fucking mess… Max gulped and felt so fucking bad for reacting like he had done that night all those months ago, not even giving Gio a chance to reply to his harsh words, and he closed his eyes as the memory came back to him. It felt like it had happened yesterday.

_ “Max! Baby! I'm home! “ Giovanni said with a happy and almost childish tone as he entered his apartment, smiling when he saw Max jacket hanging on the wall. He had longed after his boyfriends safe arms all night and the thought of falling asleep in them made him smile even more. But his smile faded quickly when he realized Max didn't reply to him, as he usually did and his stomach churned. He didn't have a good feeling about this.  _

_ “Babe? “ Giovanni said as he walked inside the bedroom where he found Max sitting on the bed, looking almost defeated in a way, heartbroken almost, which made him frown. “Babe? What's wrong? “ _

_ “Don't you dare! ” Max growled and the tone in his voice made Giovanni even more anxious, and he sunk down on the end of the bed next to him, nervously tugging on his bottom lip. _

_ “What's wrong? “ Giovanni tried again, and carefully began to rub one of Max legs as he always did, but his hand was quickly removed and nervous eyes followed Max who began to pace back and forth in the room. _

_ “I don't even want to look at you, you fucking disgust me! “ His tone was pointed, his words sharp as knives and Gio gulped. He knew how easily Max got lost in his head, and became his own worst enemy, but he had never seen him like this... They hadn't even fought in their relationship, so this whole situation made Gio feel confused. And scared. And worried. _

_ “What have I done “ gio was almost crying by now. He didn't recognize this side of Max, and frankly, it scared him. _

_ “I love you Giovanni, no.. I fucking  _ **_loved_ ** _ you with all of my fucking heart despite all the shit I've got from some of the queens when we became a couple, but I never cared what anyone else had to say, because I loved you! But you know what…. fuck you Aquaria, fuck you! “ _

_ Giovanni couldn't move, and it felt like his life was slowly slipping through his fingertips. He wanted to speak up, he wanted to ask Max what on earth had made him this worked up but every time he opened his mouth, Max interrupted him, by screaming something else or holding up is hand in front off Giovanni's face. He began to grow frustrated but he was to scared of Max to bite back. _

_ “I knew getting involved with you would be a huge mistake, goddammit! “ Max finally screamed before he stormed out of the room. Gio tried his best to stop him, grabbing his arm but the older queen easily got loose and ran out of the bedroom, then out of the apartment and finally, out of Giovanni's life. _

The memory was painful and when Max eyes met Giovanni's, he felt disgusted with himself. Why had he behaved like such an asshole? Why hadn't he even given Giovanni a chance to talk? Why hadn't Max told him what had made him so upset instead of just storming out like he did?

_ I'm such an idiot. _

“Don't beat yourself up Max, for what happened that night “

Giovannis voice was so kind, but it was shaking too, so Max knew he wasn't far from crying.

“I can't stop thinking about it.. About you.. About how I threw you away because I listened to Dusty and didn't even give you the benefit of a doubt to explain yourself. I just…“ Max took a deep breathe. “And look at you now.. You almost killed yourself because of ME.. You're broken Gio.. And it's my fucking fault! “

“Babe, come here” The young queen said as he opened his arms for Max. Max shook his head. He wasn't worthy of comforting now. He wasn't worth anything else than to get the taste of his own medicine, and that wasn't kindness.

“Max, look.. We fucked up, The both of us, okay? I'm tired.. And I miss you.. Can't we just.. Start over? I mean.. It's not going to be easy but I can't… no.. i  _ don't want to _ continue to live without you.. I can't function without you Max “

Max was finally the one who pulled the other one into a tight hug and Gio let out a big breath of relief. When Max was close, especially like this, he didn't feel broken. He felt at peace and it was a feeling he didn't want to lose. Not again. But then his demons appeared, tapping on his shoulder as he began to overthink the situation… why would Max actually want Gio back? He was nothing but a ticking bomb with more problems than he could even count. Besides, he looked disgusting nowadays. Max would never be able to look at him like he once had, now would he?

“Gio, “ Max breathed out, as he rested his forehead on his. “I would do anything to get you back into my life. But like you said. It's going to be everything but easy… and it's gonna take me such a long time before I forgive myself for letting this happen to us in the first place”

Giovanni leaned forward and placed a careful and gentle kiss on Max lips, before their eyes met and fingers intertwined.

“Max… baby, the only thing I care about you know, is that you're here again and won't leave me like you did… it will probably take me some time before I can trust you again you know… but wait I have something to give you.. ” Gio said, before he stood up and left the room, leaving a puzzled Max behind. Max bit his lip, but didn't have enough time to worry before the young queen returned again, with something in his closed fist.

“give me your hand”

“Ehm, okay “ Max said, still confused to what was actually happening. Giovanni let out a big breath before he laid what had almost killed him, in Max open palm. It was a couple of razor blades along with some pills.

“I won't need that Shit for when I'm sad anymore.. I mean, not now I have you back in my life again “ Giovanni said before their lips connected and their arms wrapped against each others bodies. It made Max suddenly think about song that had made him think about Gio for so long ago, as their kisses deepened and the two of them finally felt hope for the future again. Their future. 

_ I told you something safe _ __  
_ Something I've never said before _ __  
_ And I, I, I can't keep my hands off you _ __  
_ While you lie in the wake _ __  
_ Covered all in the night before _ _  
_ __ I'm high, high, high, no one's got me quite like you

  
  



End file.
